The Tale of Two Haruhis
by JeffPrower
Summary: Suzumiya Haruhi is bored with her world, Fujioka Haruhi wants her world to not get any crazier, and Kyon just hates what's going on around him. Pairing: Koizumi Itsuki x Suzumiya Haruhi
1. Chapter 1

The SOS Brigade Club Room was quiet. But without Suzumiya Haruhi around, that was a common occurrence.

"Hmm..." Itsuki Koizumi was wondering why Kyon had just moved to a certain spot on the Shogi board during the game they were playing. "Intre-" He would have said 'interesting' but Haruhi barged in.

"Hmph!" Haruhi pouted.

"Is there a problem, Suzumiya-San?" Koizumi asked

"Boring, boring, boring! This whole world is boring! My life has become the same thing over and over again!" She said as she walked over to her chair.

'Minus the annoying life-endangering adventures that happen almost every time we leave the club room!' Kyon said

"Wake up in the same house, brush my teeth with the same tooth brush, walk to the same school, take classes with the same people, then go to the SOS Brigade!"

"Haruhi, there's nothing you can do about that, besides get emancipated, move to a different house -without your toothbrush, of course- and transfer to another high school." Kyon said

"...You're so stupid, Kyon. If I moved away, I would end up abandoning the SOS Brigade. Yareyare, I need better suggestions. Basically, I want what is pretty much a different world completely, with the SOS Brigade still in contact."

"That would be very nice, Suzumiya-San."

"See?! Koizumi gets it! That's why he's the Deputy Chief!"

"Well, unfortunately, that's not how things work, Haruhi. You have to find new things in ordinary life, to keep yourself interested in the here and now, otherwise, you'll expect something out of life that you're bound to never receive." Kyon said, trying not to wake up next to school, because he's in some world Haruhi wanted to exist... Again.

"Hmm, I guess..."

-- A different dimension

'Hmm.' Thought Fujioka Haruhi after one of the Host Clubs... meetings... "Senpai, are you seriously not gonna clean that up?"

"It's Hikaru's mess, I won't stand for it!"

"Yeah, but part of it was your fault."

"Haruhi! I thought you of all people would stand up for me and be on my side!"

'Why?' She thought "Alright, let's go over what happened."

Flashback

"-but of course, you're beauty shines brighter than any other." Suoh Tamaki said as he was finishing up with a client.

"-it's nothing but fun and games to you, isn't it, Hikaru?" Kaoru fake asked as the Hitachiin twins charmed two more clients.

"Tamaki." Kyoya said "The time has come."

"Ah, my beautiful sakura blossom, it is sad to say, but we must part ways."

After clearing all the clients, it was time to clean up and leave. Hikaru looked at a sandwich one of the clients gave him. "Huh." Hikaru said "That is an interesting gift." He decided to eat it. He started walking to the door, but so was Tamaki. Haruhi saw this coming so she said. Hikaru, you're about to bump into Tamaki-Senpai. However, they still bumped into each other. the sandwich fell on the floor and the slice of bread with the mayonnaise on it fell on the floor. They argued about it any they both refused to clean it up.

End flashback

"And it was his sandwich that was dropped." Tamaki said

"Yeah, well this never would have happened if you weren't so damn clumsy!"

"You need to shut up, twin boy!"

"Whatever, I'm leaving." Haruhi said.

-- The Suzmiya dimension

The SOS Brigade was walking to their respective homes, but Kyon still couldn't get something out of his mind.

"Is there a problem, Kyon?" Itsuki asked

"Hmm, I wonder if I even got through to Haruhi."

"... Kyon, Suzumiya-San listens to you."

"Yeah, but any minute she could go off the deep end. And besides, you gave her your support. She seems to value your opinion, too!"

"No, I just strengthen her resolve."

"Exactly, so if we end up in someone else's world, I'm blaming you!"

"And I would deserve it." Itsuki said with a smile on his face. "Well, this is where we part ways, let's hope that in the morning, we're walking back to North High School."

"Yeah, we'd better be."

-- The next morning

'Oh, man, this bed's been getting more and more uncomfortable,' Kyon thought, as he had not completely woken up. 'but this is ridiculous! It feels like cement!' Kyon then woke up, observed his surroundings, noticed that he, along with the other members of the SOS Brigade, were on the ground, sleeping in the middle of an unpopulated sidewalk and only had one thing to say. "I will kill Itsuki Koizumi!"

"Hmm?" Ituski asked after he opened his eyes "What did I do?" He asked, when he sat up.

"Look around, Koizumi, where are we?"

"From the looks of it, I'd say Japan."

"Have you ever seen this section of Japan in your life?!"

"Well, no, now that I think about it. Hold on." The ESPer said as he took out his cell phone and called someone he had in his 'contacts' section. "Moshimoshi." He said

"Who the #$% is this, I don't #$%ing know you, you son of a bitch, hang the #$%ing phone up and if you ever call me again, I'm gonna star sixty-nine your ass and #$%ing kill you! You got that, you mother #$%ing bitch?"

At that, Koizumi hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket. "Yeah, this isn't our world."

"Who was that?" Kyon asked

"..."

"Koizumi?"

"..."

"You okay?"

"Huh?" Haruhi suddenly asked "This is not my Japan... Cool!" Haruhi then sprang to her feet. "Yuki, Mikuru! Wake up! We've got some adventuring to do!"

Yuki, however, was awake before Kyon was and was busy not saying a word. Yuki and Mikuru rose from the ground.

"Huh?" Mikuru asked "W-Where are we? I don't remember ever coming here! What's going on?"

"Quiet down, Mikuru-Chan! What we've got here is a rare opportunity to discover someone else's world! Let's not waste it!" Haruhi's stomach then grumbled "Hmm, I guess we should get something to eat. Look, there's a restaurant that's still open! Let's go, Kyon's paying."

"WHY?"

"It's become routine to have you pay for the food at this point."

--

Things were nice during times like this. Haruhi and her father were at a restaurant, having idle conversation. It wasn't anything like that high school full of those idiotic damn rich people.

"So," Fujioka Haruhi said "that was when-"

"A TABLE FOR FIVE, PLEASE!" Suzumiya Haruhi said, unnecessarily loudly.

"Who are those people?" F. Haruhi asked

"I don't know, but they're very obnoxious." Said Fujioka Ryouji. AKA "Ranka"

"Hey, wait, the only table that's open right now is the one right next to us. Oh, man." As the day progressed, Haruhi noticed two things. Number one: The brown haired girl was the loud one out of the group, and she had never seen those school uniforms before. "Hmm, hey dad, do you know of a school where they wear those uniforms?"

"No, I can't say I do." He said. The one thing Haruhi didn't want her father to do was to call over to that obnoxious little girl and have her talk to them. "Hey!"

'Damn.'

"Hey you kids over there!" The SOS Brigade took notice of this man's call.

F. Haruhi began banging her head on the table.

"Hi!" S. Haruhi shouted back

'We're one table away, there's no reason to shout!' Kyon thought

"What high school do you go to; we've never seen those uniforms here before."

"These are North High uniforms!" Haruhi said

"North High?" F. Haruhi asked "That school was closed down, a year ago, for poor sanitation, and bad education."

"Huh?" S. Haruhi asked

"These" Nagato Yuki started "Were going away presents from the school."

"Oh, okay... Where do you go, now?"

"We are being home schooled. Though our parents see it fit for us to apply to a high school, to socialize with people."

"What school" Koizumi started "do you go to... um, I would refer to you respectively, but I don't know your name."

"I go to Ouran High school."

"Haruhi," Ranka started "Don't be rude."

**"I'm not being rude!" Both Haruhi's said.**

"I'm sorry, ma'am I was talking to my daughter; miss Fujioka Haruhi."

"I KNEW YOU WERENT A DUDE!" S. Haruhi said as she stood up from her chair.

"Well..." F. Haruhi said "I guess I should thank you for not mistaking my gender."

"It was the eyes." She said as she leaned forward. "Those girlish, girlish eyes." she she leaned even further with each word except for 'those'.

"So, Fujioka-San. How high are the standards for Ouran." Koizumi said, deciding to change the subject.

"You either have to be really rich to get in or you have to be very smart." F. Haruhi said

"Does anybody have an unreasonable amount money coincidentally on them right now?" S. Haruhi asked

"You know the answer to that question." Kyon said

"Well then..." Haruhi continued "It'll be a contest! Who ever's not smart enough to make it into Ouran has to by us food every time we go to restaurants!"

"And if we all get in?" Kyon asked

"Then the first one to complain has to buy food for us instead!"

"An excellent idea, Suzumiya-San."

'I doubt I'll be seeing that brown haired girl at Ouran.' F. Haruhi thought

----

If this fic somehow succedes and people want more from it, then I should probably let you know that Mikuru might not have many lines in it, because I hate her to death.


	2. What We'll do!

Suzumiya Haruhi was not an idiot. Quite far from it. She could even find the time to go to sleep after tests, while everyone else was finishing theirs. Unfortunately, I have no other examples off of the top of my head, so this is all I will say about her. Asahina Mikuru... I don't even feel like explaining why she got into the school. You don't actually expect Nagato Yuki to not make it into the school do you? This story wouldn't be right without Kyon and Koizumi. For these reasons, every member of the SOS Brigade made it into Ouran Accademy.

"I guess we have to see who the first one to complain is." Haruhi said

"I would have thought you were gonna complain about the outfits." Kyon said

"Nope, I like the outfits." Haruhi lied "But for some reason, the girls kept telling me to go to the third music room after school. Maybe there's a ghost in there! Or some other cool mystery!" Haruhi said, as she and the Brigade made their way to the third music room. "Here it is. Let's see what's so special about it." Haruhi opened the doors and rose petals came flying her way. She already didn't like this room.

"Welcome." She heard

Everything was silent.

"What is this?" Haruhi asked.

"This" Tamaki began. "Is the Ouran Host Club. It's *where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands, entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran accademy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful.* (A/N: This * * Marks lines ripped directly from the English dub of each franchise) Now-" Tamaki was cut off.

"Haruhi," S. Haruhi asked "Why are you wearing the male uniform?"

"I broke a vase."

"Oh." S. Haruhi said "Does anybody know of a free room after school?"

**"Woah, woah, woah! Back up a second! How do you know Haruhi's a girl?" Both Hitachiin Twins said**

"That doesn't matter. Now about that free room?"

"Sure." Said F. Haruhi "Just go three rooms to the left, then across the hall."

"All right. That will be the SOS Brigade club room for as long as we're here! Have fun being a lesbian, Haruhi!"

"Thank you, Fujioka-San." Itsuki said as they all left the room.

"... Well _that_ was rude." Hitachiin Kaoru said.

"My first kiss was with a girl... I charm women as a pass-time... and my dad is a bisexual cross-dresser... Nothing about my life says 'straight', does it?"

"Well, now that you mention it, no." Hitachiin Hikaru said. "And you may favor your mother over your father. You _could_ have an Oedipus complex."

"... The evidence just piles, doesn't it?" Haruhi asked.

"Hmm..." Itsuki wondered on the way to the new club room.

"What?" Kyon asked

"Well, I was just wondering. Can closed space open in this world?"

"That's an interesting question that I hope to never find out the answer to."

"I feel the same way. But just in case, I'd like to know."

"How about another question. Does Haruhi still get whatever she wants?"

"That wouldn't be good if she didn't. We couldn't return to our world if she didn't."

"So wait. My chances of having a normal life depend on something Haruhi may or may not be able, or even _want_ to do?" Kyon complained

"Don't let Suzumiya-San hear you complaining."

"Yeah, I know, I know. Hey, Koizumi."

"Yes?"

"Perhaps you could clear up a mystery for me. What exactly is it that we do, here in the S.O.S. Brigade?"

"We solve mysteries."

"That's fine and all, but what about when there _is_ no mystery?"

"We do whatever Suzumiya-San _wants_ to do."

"And you don't even _remotely_ have a problem with this?"

"No. Not really. And you keep complaining. Kyon if you keep doing this, you might just have to start paying for restaurants."

"Well, maybe we wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't give her some extra backing of her idea of moving to a new world with the rest of the brigade!"

"You're starting to get loud now and Suzumiya-San is not a deaf woman."

"Yeah, but she is annoying. How do you put up with her so much?"

"I've never heard you trash-talk Suzumiya-San so much."

"She's never transported me to a different dimension before; now answer my question."

"Hmm... I don't know. I just don't really care what she does... most of the time. Also I'm here to make her happy so that she doesn't destroy all existence I guess that's a big factor in me putting up with her."

Kyon felt like screwing with Koizumi, to release stress. (Wow, I don't know how that could have come out more homosexual sounding) "Yeah, that _could_ be the reason, or maybe..."

"What?" Koizumi asked

"Ah, naw, it's nothing!"

"No, really, I won't take it offensively."

"I would."

"Oh? What is it?"

"It's just that maybe you're in love with her."

"...What?..."

"It was just a joke."

"Oh..."

"Or maybe you _do_ love her."

"Umm, maybe we should leave that subject alone."

"Haruhi..." Tamaki said

"Yes, Senpai?"

"Who was that girl?

"That was Suzumiya Haruhi, she's in the same class as me."

"I need more information, Haruhi!"

"Well, what are you looking for, here.?"

"I want to know why she wasn't interested in the advances of the Host club!"

"Well, from the way she introduced herself, I'd say it's because we're all just normal humans."

"Hmm?"

"Yeah, if I remember correctly, she said '*I'm Suzumiya Haruhi, from* North High. *First off, I'm not interested in ordinary *people, but if any of you are Aliens, Time Travelers or, ESPers, please come see me. That is all.* (A/N: In the English dub they said Haruhi Suzumiya, not Suzumiya Haruhi)"

"..." Tamaki was speachless. He was not able to believe that some one would say that. Then it occurred to him. "Haruhi, I never knew that that was you're sense of humor."

"It's not. Afterwards, Kaoru asked if she was serious."

"She said 'absolutely." Kaoru said

"Then" Hikaru said "I asked if she was insane and she said 'absolutely not', but after class, that guy with the brown hair and the expression like he hates all life told me that she was absolutely insane and that the last thing I wanted to do was get involved with that maniac." Since Hikaru forgot the rest of what Kyon said, here is the rest of his rant, for your consideration. _"You will be helplessly dragged into things that you don't want to do. You will hate every bit of your high school life. You'll end up doing things like getting heaters and bringing them up hills! You'll probably end up in some awful, low budget movie, with a terrible and inconsistent plot and a script that she came up with in one night! And supernatural things WILL happen to you!_ (A/N: For those of you who haven't seen 'The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya', please skip to the bottom of the italics, or go and watch that two hour and forty minute adventure, which, by the time you're finished with it, you'll have forgotten all about this fanfic. By the way, no, you will not find it in high quality, you will just get a bootleg with fansubs, in which the movie screen is diagonal and the camera has trouble adjusting from dark to light... Plus, I don't even know if it's on DVD in Japan. Have fun!) _Then you'll find out that all this crap is somehow fun! And in your twisted mind, you wouldn't have it any other way! So now you live for the torment, like some sort of psychological masochist! But all of this can be avoided if you just don't become involved with her!"_ Back to the story!

"So, she doesn't have any doubt in her mind that these things exist?" Tamaki asked

"Not one bit of doubt." Haruhi answered

"Huh... Okay, well, everyone remember that the school play is coming up, so you should all try out!"

"What?" Hikaru asked "You never ask us to be in the plays!" Translation: This play is retarded and I want no part of it!

"So" Kaoru started "what's so special about this play?" Translation: So what's so special about this play?

"This is just another one of Tamaki-Senpai's impulsive decisions." Haruhi said

"No it isn't!"

"Then what is it?"

"Well, I was thinking about how in the host club, we never have contact with eachother, so I decided, that if we were to act in this play, we could grow closer as a family!"

Hitachiin twins' and Haruhi's thoughts '_That makes no sense._'

"I'll try out!" Hunny-Senpai said "You'll try out, too, right, Takashi?"

"Yes."

**"Uhh, M'lord, it's true that we could try out, but Kyouya might be a bit of a problem**."

"What? Mama, you'll audition, won't you?"

"While, I'd love to make a fool of myself in Ouran's production of To the One I Love, I have other obligations."

"What! Mama!"

"I have nothing I can tell you, the business of the Ootori family is very important and can't be put off for something like this."

'_Hmm..._' Haruhi thought '_Have I heard Kyouya-Senpai say that before?_'

"But, but, but... fine!"

'_As a matter of fact he's said that at every time that something comes up that he wouldn't like!'_

"Oh, I just realized, Senpai, we weren't told about this in my class. Should I go tell Haruhi?"

"That depends. Kyouya, how much time do we have left before the club opens?"

"Three minutes."

"Go, tell them."

"The first meeting of the SOS Brigade at Ouran has begun! Somebody toss out an idea!"

"Do you ever have an idea?" Kyon asked

There was a knock

"Come in." S. Haruhi said

"Excuse me," F. Haruhi said "but I just thought you should know that the school is doing a presentation of 'To the One I Love'. I just thought you should know, just in case you'd be interested in trying out for it." Haruhi then left to get back to the Host Club.

"I know what we'll do!" S. Haruhi said


	3. Chapter 3

It was about 4 AM and Fujioka Haruhi was sound asleep... Well, she was until she heard her cell phone ring.

_[Ringtone of your choice here]_

"What the?" Haruhi shouted as she suddenly woke up only to see the caller ID on her phone read 'Baka Twins' ( It used to say Hitachiin instead of baka, but recently, Haruhi had begun to believe them to be synonyms)

"What do you WANT?" She souted as she answered to phone.

"Hey, Haruhi," Hikaru began as he answered the phone "cheerful as usual, I see."

"It's 4 in the morning and I have to get up for school in two hours!"

"Then why'd you answer the phone?"

"I knew you'd call again!"

"Then turn the phone off."

"I can't, because what if it's a real emergency?"

"How do you know this isn't an emergency?"

Tell me what this is about in five seconds or I'm hanging up!"

"Careful now, Haruhi, wouldn't want to forcefully wake up your father."

Kaoru chimed in, "That wouldn't be very nice."

Beep.

"She hung up." Hikaru noted

"That wasn't very nice either."

_[Ringtone of your choice here]_

"What." Haruhi flatly said more than asked

"So," Kaoru began "as we were saying. It's about the play; we think you would make a great Shunsuke," AN: Shunsuke is the male lead in To the one I love "since no one knows you're a girl."

Haruhi thought aabout this. Tamaki _did_ want her to be in the play and if she played a female part, there could be problems for the host club. That was when it hit her. "Why is Ouran doing a play based off of a TV Series?"

"... We didn't actually think about that."

"And another thing, why are you guys up at 4 AM?"

"... We didn't actually think about that."

Beep

XOXOXOXOXOXO (Scene transition)

It was now about 6 AM at the dining room table in an apartment that Nagato found (And she conviniently had the money to pay for it, though no one saw her do it.) The only people at the table were Kizumi Itsuki and Kyon (Realname unknown). Kyon was eating pancakes and Itsuki was eating oatmeal and found himself deeply in thought. '_How did they make those rose petals fly out at us?_'

"Koizumi, pass the syrup." Kyon said

"Huh?" Koizumi asked as he was snapped out of his train of thought.

"The syrup."

"Oh, yes." He said as he passed the syrup

"What were you thinking about? Was it Closed space?"

"Yes." Koizumi replied rathe quickly.

"Okay, that answer came a little quick, but I'm not sure I want to know what you were actually thinking about, if you were willing to lie about it. Speaking of closed Space, we could just go piss off Haruhi and see what happens."

"No thanks, I'd rather not have Suzumiya-San angry at me."

"So, angry Haruhi scares you more than fighting a Shin-Jin alone."

"I'd be scared of angry Suzumiya-San, but I'd be more dissapointed in myself."

"Why?"

"... Because I'm here to make her happy."

"No, you're here to destroy the shin-jin, and what was with that pause you took just now?"

"I may have to fight the shin-jin, but I'd rather not do that, also I don't know when Suzumiya-San will melancholic to the point where she wants to recreate this world, so I need to keep her happy to avoid such a catastrophe, and finally, I took no such pause."

"Look, let's change the subject so I don't have to deal with your obvious lies. You know Haruhi's going to want us to choose parts for the play, even though she'll most likely just volunteer me to work backstage. So who're you going to try out for?"

"Well, my mother always liked Shunsuke, so I guess I'll try out for that part."

"Decided to be bold now, did we?"

"Well I think it could be fun."

"If I don't end up back stage, I think I'll try to stay as far away from it as possible."

"Well, would you look at that," Koizumi remarked, looking at his watch "I'd say it's about time to get going."

"Okay." Kyon said as he got up from the table "Oh, and Koizumi?"

"Yes?"

"You _did_ pause."

Okay, I'll admit it; I don't know where I'm going with this.


End file.
